For a refresher on part 1, click here.
The summer after I graduated from undergrad, I still applied to veterinary schools thinking I would attend vet school after a year of interning in high school ministry.
However, I ended up loving full-time ministry more than I anticipated. So much so that by the end of the fall semester, I was planning to join high school ministry full-time. I had honestly put aside the idea of being a veterinarian because, well, I didn’t know if it was still for me.
Around this same time was when I started to hear back from veterinary schools. One-by-one I received rejection letters. Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t disappointed. Definitely bummed to get ‘rejected’, but overall I took it as a sign that a future in vet med was not for me.
But in February 2016, I interviewed with a vet school. Little did I know how much that trip up to San Francisco with one of my best friends would change my life. Weeks later, I found out I was accepted into the University College Dublin Veterinary Medicine program.
I got into vet school. A dream come true.
So in September of 2016, I packed up my life and flew across the Atlantic to move to Dublin, Ireland.
My experience abroad for vet school was by far one of the most fun adventures, all the while being the four hardest years of my life. I’d never been as academically challenged as I was in vet school. Vet school is like having a full-time job which requires immense amounts of unpaid overtime work. I studied so intensely and had to do so DAILY.
Vet school stretched me in so many ways – academically, physically and spiritually. It was in vet school that I truly learned how to balance these aspects of my wellbeing. Unlike being a youthful young adult in undergrad, I couldn’t pull all-nighters or get away with binge drinking and eating junk food every week. I had to start taking care of my body or it would take a toll on me and affect my academic performance and overall wellbeing.
From a young age I’ve struggled with mental illness. Though I had healed a lot from deep depression in high school, studying pre-vet in undergrad brought me into another bout of depression. After battling the depression brought about by college anxiety, I thought I had a good grasp on my mental illness, but vet school proved me wrong.
The never-ending information, intense workload and competitive environment lead me back into my panic disorders, anxiety and depression. I felt like getting into vet school was a massive leap forward for me, only to be pushed backwards again.
This mental battle began for me in second year, when we had four very intense modules all in one semester. I remember working my butt off and barely getting by with the midterms and lab work. Finals rolled around and I felt like I did enough studying to have at least passed the modules.
But when module grades came out the next semester, I remember the feeling of my heart sinking in disbelief, and the tears welling up in my eyes as I sat in the campus dining hall….I had failed my first class ever. Microbiology. By 0.5%.
Yup, you read that right. I was less than a percent away from passing and I just didn’t make the cut. Thoughts flooded my mind for weeks after that: Was it because I didn’t study hard enough? Was it because I had to be admitted to urgent care in the middle of that semester? Was it my testing anxiety? Did I travel too much?
These thoughts slowly led me into a dark hole. I was so ashamed of my failure, I didn’t even tell my roommates or close friends for MONTHS.
I remember going to the vet school counselor in tears, wondering how I could have failed. I had never failed before. We discussed my history of anxiety and depression, and she explained to me that I was at a disadvantage with my anxiety. I had never looked at my anxiety in this way. I always saw it more like a flaw and something I just needed to learn how to live with my entire life. But she made me realize that there is no shame in the differences each individual has when it comes to learning and test taking abilities: Some people have testing anxiety and even other disabilities which hinder them from achieving their best academically; some people don’t.
The solution was something so simple, and I’m so grateful she advised me to do it: I needed extra time to take tests. One of the main reasons I had so much anxiety during tests was because I felt rushed and my thoughts would overwhelm my mind so much so that my ability to answer questions and focus was greatly affected. At my university we also took exams off campus in a humongous conference hall along with all the other degrees, which only added to my anxiety. So I ended up applying for extra time on exams and also took exams on campus.
Aside from testing accommodations, I knew I needed to do more to care for my mental health and succeed in vet school. My university gave us a week off before our final exams began intended for studying. But instead of spending the ENTIRE week studying, I would go on holiday or choose to take full days off from studying. On these days off, I would read or go for a hike or try a new restaurant. I learned that this type of rest was exactly what my mind & soul needed. By taking seemingly small steps to care for my mind, body & soul, I actually became more refreshed and studying was more productive for me.
Fast forward to the end of the year and I passed microbiology with flying colors. And I did this on top of the other modules that semester. (Plus, I also had time for a lot more fun – see pics above!)
This whole experience taught me many important lessons. First, failure does not define me and it is not the end of the world. In fact, failure can give us opportunities to learn deeper and become stronger & more resilient. Second, this experience taught me to take care of myself better and allowed me to discover what my mind, body & soul needed in order to succeed.
This renewed approach carried me to my final clinical year of vet school, which was the one year in vet school I was actually stoked about because it felt like I was entering into everything I had finally hoped for – putting everything I learned into practice.
But one week into my first rotation and my boyfriend of three years broke up with me.
I spiralled back into depression. I was barely eating. I stopped working out. I lost my joy for life. I became numb. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my career anymore. I had planned to stay in Ireland and work there, so I never spent enough time on one placement to make it into a job, and didn’t focus on trying to get references for an internship. I felt so lost. And I was angry at myself for letting a boy navigate my future. For the first time in my life I actually had no idea what I wanted for my future…
All I knew was that I had to keep moving forward. And if there was anything I learned in undergrad and vet school, it was that I needed to allow myself to feel the emotions, and I needed to surround myself with my community during this grieving. So I shared the pain and sadness openly with friends and family. (They cared for me so well through this – I honestly wouldn’t have gotten through this time without them). I spent the time to also heal my heart & soul through travel and adventure. And I still gave it my all in clinics despite my hurt, and spent many days & nights studying for the NAVLE.
Slowly but surely the future ahead seemed more and more clear. I realized that this break up wasn’t actually chaining me down, but rather a new freedom. A freedom to determine where my heart actually wanted to be.
I started applying to jobs back in the states, and started getting Skype interviews and even job offers. And November of my final year, I was able to fly home for the holidays and be with my family. This break was exactly what I needed in many ways: I took my NAVLE, did four weeks of externships, and ended up landing a job with a small animal practice in Santa Barbara, California.
It seemed like 2020 was a fresh new start for me, with new and exciting opportunities that awaited.
And, well, we all know how 2020 ended up…
Stay tuned for Part 3!
