2020.
Need I say more?
But, seriously, 2020 hit me like a BRICK. No, not just a brick – a thick brick WALL.
I entered the year with eagerness and joy as I only had one final semester of clinical rotations left before I was finally a vet. On top of this, I had landed an amazing job and would be moving back home to California after four years of living abroad. I mean, life couldn’t be more exciting, right?!
This excitement and anticipation quickly dissipated when board results were sent out at the end of January…
I failed the NAVLE.
I opened that email and looked at my result nearly ten times before I could actually face its reality. It felt like a nightmare. How could this be? I worked my ass off. Only by a few points, too…What went wrong? I’m such an idiot. Why me?
Initially I was in so much shock I could barely move. But once it all sank in, I bawled. And I remained on the verge of tears for days afterward. I could barely keep it together in rotations that week. It seemed as if all around me my peers were celebrating their big pass. Their greatest achievement. And here I was grieving my biggest failure.
As the weeks carried on, I found myself falling back into depression. I lost my excitement for clinical rotations and basically became a robot. I was just trying to make it through each day – doing ‘good enough’ to get by on rotations and restudying for the NAVLE every chance I got. I suffered in silence (which I do NOT recommend by the way).
The weight of failing this exam followed me like a grey cloud carrying endless rain. I became super discouraged about my career in vet med. I felt unsure about my future. But despite this uncertainty, I knew I had to keep pressing forward and not give up. I had already made it this far – to my final semester in vet school – and I couldn’t back down now.
A few weeks after receiving the four letters I dreaded my whole life (“F-A-I-L”), I found a NAVLE support group on Facebook*. This group was solely created for fellow vet students who did not pass the NAVLE their first time. I joined and it was through this group that I was able to find a fellow classmate, who ended up being such an encouragement and support for me. Together, we spurred each other on to kick the NAVLE’s ass the second time around.
My NAVLE retake was planned for the second to last week of my surgery rotation – my final rotation before finishing vet school.
Then Covid hit. As if things couldn’t be worse, right?
So at the start of what should have been such a fun and instrumental rotation for my career was instead daily Zoom meetings and eventually a plane ticket home to California.
As much as I was stoked to see my family [and derp dog] again, saying goodbye to Dublin in such sudden timing was difficult. I wasn’t able to process the move for months. There were so many of my friends and so much of my community that I never had a chance to fully say goodbye to. Even now, it is still so hard to accept the fact that I had to uproot my life so abruptly from a place which was home for four of my best & worst years.
I completed my final surgery rotation from the comfort of my home in California. In the meantime, my NAVLE retake ended up being rescheduled three more times.
Amidst a global pandemic, I still finished vet school. It was definitely anti-climatic not being able to have a proper graduation, but at the end of it all, I still came out as a veterinarian and that’s what counts. A few weeks later I finally retook the damn NAVLE and passed. HAZZAH!!
You think this would be the final conclusion to my veterinary journey, but WAIT – there’s more!
California is deemed one of the hardest states to become a licensed vet. I honestly didn’t think much of this…until I started the dang licensing process myself. California is one of the states which requires a licensing exam on top of a veterinary licensing application. And out of those, it is one of the very few states which requires TWO exams in order to become licensed. Overall, the licensing process in California required two separate applications, each with multiple steps, and two exams total – all for a grand price of about $1500. Yup, you read that right. My golly was this process more stressful than applying to vet school, I kid you not.
One would think this process alone would be torture enough, but with Covid in full effect, the CA board took three times as long to process everything. So though I was technically a graduated vet, I wasn’t licensed in California yet, which meant I could only legally work at my new job as a veterinary technician (which I’m actually so thankful for in the end because it taught me SO much and helped me ease into my role as a full veterinarian).
I was able to take the California law exam and started working as a tech at my new job shortly after. However, I wasn’t able to schedule the state board exam until a month later. As I made the transition into a new job & new city, I honestly didn’t make studying for this final licensing exam a priority. I figured if I got through vet school and finally passed my NAVLE, everything can only go up from here, right?
Fail.
Yup, I had done it again. I failed the California board exam. Literally the final step keeping me from receiving my veterinary license and finally being able to practice veterinary medicine in California . (The irony was that I was licensed in another state already at this point because the process is so much easier).
I felt like I let so many people down, especially my clinic. I was terrified of losing my job. Losing a dream I had worked for my entire life. I felt like a complete embarrassment. I choked back the tears as I left a voicemail for my manager to let her know of my failure. It was one of the scariest calls I’ve ever made.
I received a call back from her within 30 minutes and she was so kind and so understanding. In fact, the following days at work, I was given so much encouragement & support from my fellow coworkers. It was this entire experience which truly solidified that I was where I was meant to be. I’ll forever be grateful for the patience and grace my clinic showed me as I continued to work in a tech position before I could retake that final state exam.
Three months later, I was finally able to retake the state board exam. And I passed with flying colors. After five months of being a doctor in a technician role, I did it.
I was finally able to work as an associate veterinarian.
If this taught me anything, it showed me that nothing is permanent. At the same time, suffering is temporary. And despite any roadblocks or failures, we need to keep believing in ourselves and keep pressing on. We can learn from our mistakes and allow these moments to make us better at what we do and strengthen more of who we are.
As cheesy as it is, this famous phrase couldn’t be any truer in these situations: This too shall pass.
Though failure sucks, (really really sucks), I honestly can look back and feel grateful for failing these exams. Failing the NAVLE proved that I am strong and resilient. That I am capable and always have more to learn. Failing the California board exam gave me valuable time as a technician to learn so much more about practicing veterinary medicine and allowed me to gain much more familiarity in my clinic.
It would be easy for me to look back on these failures and see time wasted or see myself as inadequate or incapable. Instead, I look back on these failures and see how they helped me GAIN time and helped me become MORE adequate & capable as a veterinarian.
After spending over two decades chasing after a dream, I’ve finally made it. I am finally Dr. Rachel Mar. I am finally able to help patients feel better and live healthier lives; advocating for a life of vitality for both owners & their pets.
I still don’t have all the answers, and I definitely still have questions. Every day. But that is what this career entails. What life encompasses: constant learning and constant growth.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I hope that my own story and challenges can help you see more beauty in your own journey. That you can see your failures not as losses but as gains for your future.
Thanks for reading about my veterinary journey. If you ever have questions about my journey or need advice/encouragement when it comes to veterinary medicine (or any of your own dreams and goals!), please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
*If you have received the unfortunate news of failing the NAVLE, I’m so so sorry. Know that you don’t deserve this and also know that you are not alone. Please feel free to contact me and I can connect you with the NAVLE support group so that you can be encouraged as well as get some NAVLE study tips and advice!
