The Strength Finders test says one of my top qualities is positivity. Now I’m certainly not positive 100% of the time, but I’ve definitely come a long way. It may come as a surprise to most, but when I was younger I was super shy & pessimistic. I even went through the “emo” phase of wearing all black with a dog collar/choker and skintight jeans with vans or converse (I hope that thought can at least make you chuckle). 

So this why it is so important for me to share my story with you. To make known the transformation I’ve been through. It is my story of how I was broken and lost, but turned hopeful and joyful. It is my story of faith.

When I was about ten years old, my family moved from San Francisco to Southern California. This was a huge transition for me as I was forced to start middle school in a different environment. At this school, I fell into peer pressure and wore different masks based on which people I was with so they’d like me. This drive to gain acceptance and love was rooted at my struggle with self worth. I didn’t think anyone could actually love me for who I was. I mean, why would they?

This all led to my development of a mental disorder known as depression. For over two years I dealt with self inflicted pain, anorexia, and thoughts of suicide. I had no control over my life but these things seemed to keep my life together. I punished myself for not being good enough by not eating or by cutting myself. When my peers asked why I wasn’t eating I would simply tell them I was fasting. And I always wore sweatshirts to hide evidence of scars.

I was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. A part of me was terrified of death, yet I still attempted to end my life. I blamed God and yelled at Him almost every day for my misery. I never stopped asking him: “Why?” “Why do I cry myself to sleep every night?” “Why do I want to die?” At times I doubted God was real. I couldn’t see how a loving God could possibly allow me to suffer so much pain. I remember one day in the eighth grade when I was set on killing myself after school. That day, a friend approached me and said “Rachel, please don’t ever do anything to hurt yourself. You are so loved.” She didn’t know I wanted to commit suicide that day, but I can honestly say she helped save my life. Her words resonated in not only my head, but my heart. Her words made me feel so loved. This opened my eyes to how selfish it would be to end my life. Suicide would affect more than just me. It would hurt everyone who knows me – my family and friends. I had never thought of how it could impact others and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I began reflecting a lot more on Hebrews 13:5 after what my friend had said. It says that God will never leave us or betray us.

“Never will I leave thee, never will I forsake thee.”  -Hebrews 13:5

This verse gave me hope. I had tried everything I could to feel worth and find acceptance and love. However, all the things I did only made me feel worse. But one night that all changed. I decided I couldn’t handle the misery anymore. I remember lying in bed, praying to God, hoping He was listening. I felt so broken and so lost, I didn’t know what to do. I prayed to God saying “I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. I can’t do this alone.” My cry for help had been my last resort.

And though there wasn’t an actual physical response from God, I knew He responded by telling me to stop trying to do everything on my own. I had to allow Him to control my life. So I did. I told Jesus that He could have my life because I no longer knew what to do with it. Suddenly I felt this overwhelming sense of joy in my heart, an emotion I had never experienced before. My crying turned into smiles. It felt as if a great weight was lifted off of me. This entire time all I had to do was follow Jesus and ask Him to be in control of my life.

Since then, I have never been the same. Life isn’t perfect now, and it’s not supposed to be. But now that I have this relationship with Jesus, I don’t need to seek acceptance and love in others. I know what I am worth to the Creator of the Universe. He made me and loves me for who I am. Nothing I do can make Him love me more or less. I discovered a purpose for my life life, instead of seeking ways out of it. So now my life is now dedicated to serving God in everything I do. He deserves everything for giving me everything and more. I know that without Jesus, I would have ended my life a long time ago. Before God I was broken, but now I’m hopeful & joyful. Because of God, my life has truly been saved.